I Don't Know...

... what love is exactly.


And I think, after all these years of saying "I love you" to one guy or another, I never have.


What does it mean to be in love exactly? 


Does it require me to give up my sometimes-twisted beliefs, my bad habits, my pride, my impatience, my selfishness? 


Does being in love mean that I can no longer move the way I wish? That I should watch what I say or do to avoid conflict with "the beloved"? That I should learn to do all the things "the beloved" wishes me to do ? That I should rearrange my timetable to make time for "the beloved" and forget all the other stuff I enjoy doing like reading or dancing or popping a kid's balloon? (Just kidding, I wouldn't pop a kid's balloon.)


Just WHAT DOES IT MEAN to be in love?


How does it FEEL?


Because frankly, I don't know anymore. And I NEED ANSWERS! 


I've lost all capacity to fall in love without really falling. I usually only trip in love without falling face-down on the pavement like -- sorry, guys -- other people do. I can never seem to give it my all. And I can never seem to feel. Not the love, not the pain. Not the hugs, not the kisses. Physically, I know they're happening. I know I am being hugged, or being kissed, but... That's not what love is about, isn't it? 


I sometimes think that I am heartless because I barely feel its presence anymore. I repeatedly hurt and alienate the people who care for me -- with or without intention. I know I am hurting them, but that doesn't make me stop in my tracks. I just go on. 


WHY? I don't understand it. I just do it. I don't mean to hurt anyone. I don't. It's just that they make themselves so hurt-able that I do it without pause. 


Oh damn, maybe I AM a sadistic bitch. Oh, well. 


I am still looking for answers. I want to know what LOVE really is. And how it truly feels.


Because I feel empty.