LOSS

I feel such a monumental sense of loss at this very moment that I can’t even express how my insides seem to be falling and/or crushed and/or ultimately torn apart from the rest of me… (wait, I just did).

The point of all of it is… I feel like something that hasn’t even been mine was taken away from me.

And it has been.

(Prepare yourself for a very selfish combination of words and wise-cracks below.)

Ever since I was in our school publication, well, I’ve always wanted to be give more to it, and to be more, and to be a part of it like I never was before. But now I can’t.

And it’s all because of my nearing trip to New Zealand — which, may I say, has not been finalized yet. Sigh. I couldn’t apply for the Editorial Board… More specifically the News Editor position. And the reason that I can’t is because I didn’t enroll for the first semester of classes, and I won’t be there anyways because I’m flying off miles away anyways in a few weeks - or months. And besides, my tertiary education won’t be of use there. They won’t accredit anything (except maybe Harvard education, but what school doesn’t?). The bottom  line is that I just lost my chance at coveting that position. 

I’ve accepted it. I’ve relinquished the opportunity, the chance. Our EIC had told me more than once that I had the potential, that I had what it took, that I would do great, and it would be sad if I left…but I always looked at him, humbled with his presence and words, and smiled sheepishly, every time not knowing how to respond to those words. Because as much as I wanted it, I feared it. Like a throne that I knew would never be mine, I feared it and respected it. And when Goops gave me a pep-talk, I would always feel humbled instead of exalted because I could never think of myself as someone deserving of such praise. 

And I remember those words now because I can no longer prove him right… or wrong. I would have worked equally hard for that position the same way farmers toil the land, or the same way ants store food for the future. I would have given it my best. So many what ifs fly through my mind right now of different fonts that I can probably supply all the what ifs in everyone’s heads. 

And what hurts the most is not losing it…but not being able to have the chance to obtain it in the first place. AND WHAT’S WORSE is I never even got to try.

I feel like I’ve lost something I’ve worked so hard for, something that I’ve only dreamed of having, something that could have nurtured me into a better person and a better leader… And poof. There. ALL GONE. 

And even if I tried and I wouldn’t get it anyway… that would be better. Failing to get it would have been better than this. This feeling of being such A LOSER — because I failed before I could even try. 

Sigh…and to think that I just lost my Newbie status! This semester should have been the start of my REAL stay in Cru. My chance to see it in a new light with a wider scope, better knowledge, and definitely a new attitude. But no chance.
Say adios to dreams that are strictly located only in the Philippines, Rash, because you’ve probably given up all of them anyways. 

Dancing? Writing? Singing? Even Nursing?? I know I’ll be able to take what I can do elsewhere, but at the moment, that thought isn’t able to console me.

I just never thought this feeling would hit me so soon. I thought I’d blocked it out successfully…turns out resistance was futile. I really am saying goodbye to everything. Sooner or later I’ll lose everything I’ve worked hard for… Sooner or later, it will be like I never existed.

Well, you know what they say. You win some, you lose some. In this case I’ve just begun to lose everything.

Oh, and before I forget: Big shout out to Ching for being the News Editor. It would have been fun competition to have fought for it with you. Seriously, congratulations dude. :)

I will miss The Crusader Publication so much.

-rashiyu